Tag Archives: crap novels

Why Reading This Book Will Inevitably Make You Dumber, Faster, Strangely: 50 Shades of Sh*t (Grey) by E.L. James + 12 Things That Annoy Me About It (18+ MA ONLY PLEASE!)

I was inspired to start posting book reviews by my fellow bloggers, NerdyGirlShops and WandsandPliers. This review in particular was sparked by this post that WandsandPliers did about 50 Shades of Grey which was both hilarious and entertaining.

Anyhow, on with the review!

*WARNING – Spoilers Ahead!*

First of all, absolutely nothing happens in the first 3 chapters of this piece of crap. I got so bored I almost stopped reading. Finally, around chapter 5 or so, the story begins, albeit an unrealistic, annoying one. One thing I just don’t get is Anastasia’s naivete. Even if she is a 23 year old virgin, the extent of her lack of perception of people alone is just unfathomable. As much as James (the author) attempts to project this image of a cozy old hermit bookworm in a drop dead gorgeous (allegedly) girl’s body, I just don’t find it that believable. For her to not pick up on the fact that her “friend” Jose likes her is tantamount to moronic and the fact that she continuously whines in her head about her so-called best friend, Kate, nearly all of the first 3 chapters, but then goes on to say how much she adores her just shows exactly how low her self esteem and how hormonally imbalanced she is.

Another thing is, what exactly does Anastasia (or perhaps E.L. James) have against blondes? To add insult to injury, she completely writes off Jose’s attempt rape as “too much to drink” and endures Christian’s abusive, control freak, possessiveness until he beats her with a belt before leaving him. Ugh, I just don’t get it.

Above all,  I really think the only true accomplishment that E.L. James has is the fact that she’s managed to write a protagonist that I actually despise and who’s well-being I’m just not invested in. Other than that, her story is just another poorly written “romance” novel that she didn’t even write, but pretty much plagiarized from Twilight. As much as I dislike Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight, I at least give her the credit for creating the story. James didn’t even do that; the amount of coincidental story elements is too obvious to overlook and what’s left is just bad. One last thing that really bothered me: as much as she’s set this in the USA and has her characters down as American, the language is blatantly British. Don’t get me wrong, I love British vernacular, but what’s the point of setting the story in Seattle (aside from being too lazy to change your Twilight fanfic location to somewhere new) if your “American” characters act and speak like total Brits? Even Brits are reading this going ..“Why are they so formal?”  because no one speaks like the characters in this novel. It’s just not realistic and it’s exhausting to read.

 Actually, I’ve no idea if they are since I’m obviously American, but I like to think that’s what they’re saying!

So, that’s all the motivation I can muster up for this review. I apologize if it’s a bit convoluted, but I hope you enjoyed it anyway!

Here Are 11 (out of the 104998594895) Things That Annoyed Me About 50 Shades of Grey:

  1. Anastasia, the Insecure Hater. I really do not understand what Anastasia has against her so-called “best friend” given that Kate is such a nice girl. I understand the obviously envy given Kate has everything (she’s beautiful, rich AND smart), but if they’re such good friends, you would think she wouldn’t be so bothered about it? 
  2. I Wondered Idly. I cannot express enough how absolutely tired I am of hearing Anastasia’s 3 subconscious voices “wonder idly” about things. It’s just tired. Just STOP IT. 
  3. Licking Christian Upside the Face. This may just be me, but I don’t understand the eroticism behind licking someone’s facial hair and face. Again, maybe it’s just me, but I don’t get it. 
  4. God, what is it about feet? Indeed. WHAT IS IT About Feet Anastasia? You tell me.
  5. Is this legal? I don’t know, why don’t you look it up if you feel the need to ask yourself “50” times a day if something is legal or not?
  6. Poor Jose, the Pathetic Rapist is Forever Friend Zoned and Alone. As much as I am repulsed by Anastasia’s ability to shrug off Jose’s attempted rape, I also feel a tiny shred of sympathy for the inevitability of his “forever alone” future if he keeps on walking sadly after the oblivious and uninterested Anastasia. 
  7. Grey, Grey, Grey, Shades, Shades, Shades, Etc. Man, talk about over-used words and phrases. I am too lazy to count the times Anastasia says “50 shades of [insert noun here]” or mentions “smoldering grey eyes/gaze,” but I’m willing to bet it’s in the 100’s. 
  8. Oh Miss Steele & Mr. Grey. Really?? Good Lord, I feel like I need to pull out my silk robe and pipe to read this shit.
  9. Adjective Abuse. Dear E.L. James, just because you put a million and one adjectives together to describe one thing does NOT make it a vibrant, well written description. It just makes me feel like you’re a terrible writer with no actual talent. Which you are. 
  10. Romanticizing Violence. This is one part of the book that seriously pisses me off. About 2/3 through the book, Christian starts getting a little too hardcore for my taste, though I’ve disliked his control freak possessiveness pretty evenly the entire way through this trash, and toward the very end actually beats Ana with a belt. Now, at this point, he’s already hit her a few times and they aren’t what I’d classify as “love taps,” especially considering he feels the need to give her Tylenol and bruise cream after the fact. Yet, in spite of all this, James still writes it like it’s sexy and romantic in a way. I know this is going into personal preference, but I just can’t help but feel that it’s abuse no matter how you swing it and not because he is into BDSM, but because he has SERIOUS issues that fuel this need to harm and control her and nothing else. 
  11. Control Freak, Possessiveness, Out of Control Jealousy, Etc. Made Attractive. I can wrap my head around the fact that some women enjoy making their man jealous or mad intentionally, but the way it’s portrayed in this is just dysfunctional to me. He’s not just harmlessly envious, he’s downright furious and he wants to punish her for it. Again, if you’re into that, cool, but I’m not and it turned me off. Also, I feel like this isn’t reality. In reality, this relationship would end up on COPS or Forensic Files, not Lifetime. 
  12. Her Sunconscious Has a Subconscious Which Has An Inner Goddess. Lastly, this was one of the most annoying bits. Why does Anastasia have a subconscious with another subconscious which has an inner goddess? If you ask me, she should really visit a shrink for that. 

So, those are all the things that got on my nerves while reading this.

Have you read 50 Shades of Grey?

How did you feel about it?

Let me know in the comments!